Family Guy: Season 1 Screenplay, Episode 1 (2023)

Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes
in Greg's jacket.

- Greg, did you smoke cigarettes?
- No, father.

He is lying. There's no doubt about it.

Greg, I fear your punishment
will stay in the snake's den for four hours.

It gives you time to think.
what did you do.

Cara!

This will teach you.

Jan, I'm afraid you deserve it
A day in the furnace...

...for ratting out your brother.

Smoke. how it works
Does a boy like that go so wrong?

- You live in a bad neighborhood.
- Os Brady?

Yes. They have thieves, bandits,
Drug dealer. They call it.

Do you want some pancakes?

No thanks. look this is the worst
We have the Jemima Witnesses.

"It seems that today all you see

"It's violence in the movies and sex on TV

"But where are the good guys
old-fashioned values

"What did we used to trust?

“Fortunately there is a family man

“Fortunately there is a man who does not
say positive

“Everything that defines us

"laugh and cry

"He's a family man"

Mom, my lips are very thin.
Can I get collagen injections please?

Meg, you don't have to change
How you look.

You know, most of the world's problems
stem from a poor self-image.

Great! The mind control device
it's almost finished!

Stewie, I said no toys on the table.

Damn, bad woman!

You've been interfering with my work since day
I escaped your wretched womb.

Don't pout, honey. When you were born...

...the doctor said it was you
the happiest baby he had ever seen.

But of course. That was my winning day.
The realization of my deepest plans...

...to escape that cursed ovary
Bastille! Give it back, woman!

No toys, Stewie.

Very well then.

Heed my words when you least expect it
your ascension will come!

Mom, can I turn up the heat?

Don't touch the thermostat, Meg.
Your father is upset.

light up. This thing goes to 90.

Who touched the thermostat?

God, how did he always know?

brain implant, meg Every parent has one.

Warns you when children are playing with the dial.

My thing came out!
Is your thermostat good?

- Yes OK.
- My son is here?

Forget! False alarm!

Ass ahoy.

Peter, it's 7 am and you still have time.
your pants. What is the occasion?

He's going to a bachelor party.

Lois, I've been working hard all week
to support this family.

I'm the man of the house.

As a man, I command you
to give me permission to go to this party.

At least promise me you won't drink.
Alcohol always causes problems.

light up. You don't care about anything.

Remember when you were drunk
of communion wine in church?

And so the Lord God smote poor Job...

...with oozing boils all over her body.

Man, I hate it when he tells that story.

But miraculously
Job was still able to maintain his dignity.

- Is that really the blood of Christ?
- Sim.

Man, this guy must have been drunk
24 hours a day.

And then there was this time
in the ice cream shop.

The buttered rum is my favorite.

Remember you had an Irish coffee
The day we were checking out Philly?

I understood. This is Big's guy.
Tom Hanks, that's it.

Funny guy, Tom Hanks.
Everything he says is a stab.

I have AIDS.

- Move me around, Peter.
- Lois, honey, I promise.

Not even a drop of alcohol is enough
those lips tonight

Who wants to play Drink The Beer?

Right here.

- You win.
- In order. What do I win?

One more beer!

I go for the high score!

In fact, Charlie has the highest score.

Man. His watch doesn't flush.

I feel kind of bad, guys.
I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.

- Don't feel bad, Peter.
-Oh. I never thought about it that way.

you brought the porn

Did I bring the porn?
You will love. It's a classic.

Listen to Ilsa. If I take this thing off...

...and you're not there, you'll regret it.
Neither today nor tomorrow.

But soon and for the rest of your life.

Come on, llsa! Get on!

The statue was a gift from France.

What is that?

Man. My son must have recorded
about it for history class.

The Statue of Liberty?
What do we do now?

- Guys, let's drink until she's hot.
- That's crazy enough to work.

Meg, eat your pancakes.

- Chris, your father's elbow.
- Thanks son.

37 beers. are you hiring
a great role model for the kids, peter.

Yes. A new family record.
Way to raise the bar, dad.

Chris, you are 13 years old. Not talk like that.

Kids, daddy just drank
Then the Statue of Liberty...

...would undress.

- What did you promise me last night?
- I wouldn't drink at the bachelor party.

- And what did you do?
-Drunk at the bachelor party...

I almost went straight in. God!

looks like an accountant
crank calculators in my head.

Dick have you ever wondered
What's outside these walls?

That's a dangerous thought, Paul.
It's better to keep your job.

OK.

You see? A hangover is nature's way
to tell you that I was right. I think...

Mom, are you okay?

My God.
The chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly?

I could have broken my neck.

Damn you!

Honey. I took a taxi home
I slept on the table...

...so I wouldn't wake you up.
Nothing bad happened.

I think you are right.

Accepted apologies.
All right, I'm going to work.

Someone has to put food on that table.

What do you mean Johnson?

Mister Weed, I've been working
in the new G.I. Jewish line.

And as you can see, they look great.

You name these bagels?

Glad he's on our side!

Peter!
Era?

Do you sleep while working?

No. There's a bug in my eye
and I'm trying to stifle it.

Pedro I like you but I need you
here more than just a feast for the eyes.

It's your job to take care of the toys
this can be dangerous for children.

- Well, look hot!
- Yes indeed!

And now back to Action News 5.
Our lead story tonight, When Toys Attack.

We've got quite the situation here, Tom.

We got quite a situation here, Tom,
Not Tat, Diane.

Die Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company
Quahog, Rhode Island...

... published some highly uncertain
retail products.

Come on Timmy! Throw the stupid ball!

Young! A pound puppy!

Vamos baby Heimlich, cuspa.

Peter, I'm shocked.

Your negligence damaged
reputation of this company.

You are fired!

My God. For how long?

My God! you were fired

- Keep it up, Dad! Fight the machine!
- How do you know about the machine?

Don't worry.
I'm still going to put food on this table.

Just not much.
So there might be a bit of competition.

Who takes care of the food? Now we will never
I can afford my lip injections!

we can place them
in the garden for a while?

OK, who's hungry?

My God. Like hell
Do you want me to tell Lois?

If she finds out I got fired for alcohol
She will blame me!

lie to her it's ok to lie
for women. These are not people like us.

I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy?

Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work.

That's perfect!

Look, I don't want your mother to worry
in order?

When she is worried, she says:
"I told you so" and:

"Stop doing that. I'm sleeping."
So I'm just going to tell a little lie, okay?

Not a word to your mother
about being canned.

What is that?

- Anything. I lost my job, it smells really good.
- Era?

Meg dear, can you pass?
who fired my ass for negligence?

Peter, are you feeling well?

I feel great!
I have no job in the world.

Okay, let's eat then.

I know you hate eggplant, but...

What the hell was that?

What the hell are you looking at?
it's tuna...

...and nothing else.

How is your job search going?

It sucks, Brian. I already
had two jobs this week.

I got fired because of that ad.

Try again.
"I am Caca for Cocoa Puffs."

No, damn it! Take 26!

So I had this job as a spit guard
for this restaurant's salad bar.

Take him outside, ma'am.

I thought I could make money
in this talent show.

And the price goes
to the singers of the von Trapp family!

This is ox...

Peter, I know this is a dangerous precedent...

...but maybe you should tell Lois the truth.

What? That I can't take care of my family?
Is she always right?

That I couldn't handle a tank
in Tiananmen Square?

Fuck everything!
I just came to buy fireworks!

You can't keep lying to her
about losing your job.

Someday she will find out
where do you go everyday

E.

Yes, you're right.
Okay, I'll tell her tonight.

Victory is mine!

i need the checkbook
in the morning.

I will stop and buy
for some corn.

Are you spending money on food again?

Lois, we just had dinner.

I liked very much
I thought we would eat again tomorrow.

Since when are you so worried?
about our food budget?

I have just...

Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but...

what is peter

- You're getting a little fat.
- Era?

It's just... It's not healthy.

Peter, I'm recording my Jane Fonda workout tape.
three times a week.

When was the last time you saw your toes?

I thought it was you
it must be funny.

Peter, what the hell is wrong with you?

Baby if something is wrong
you can tell me

- I'm sorry, man. I'm late What did I miss?
- Thank God you're here. What can I do?

Tell him to be quiet. He's very involved.

I don't know.

Where is the other guy?

It's amazing!

I promise you it's okay.
You do not need to worry.

Good, good, mother!
We will meet again!

Stewie, I thought
I put you to bed an hour ago.

Not tight enough it seems.
And now you despicable harpy...

... I will end your reign
of matriarchal tyranny.

You can play tomorrow dear.

It's time to sleep at the moment.

Destroy you and your estrogenic betrayal!

Sweet dreams, little one.

You have the power to end it!

How did she react?

I told her she was fat.

NO.

I hate lying to Lois. It's just...

it's the best way
to lead them away from the truth.

You have no choice.
Your unemployment will soon dry up.

She will most likely sense that something is wrong.
when they retake their home.

you really should think
your family's well-being.

My God, Brian! That's a great idea!

ok do you have a disability
previous injuries, physical abnormalities?

I had no gas
the first time until the age of 30.

What the hell was that?

Folks, our money problems
are over! We officially received social assistance.

Come on, help me distribute car parts
in the front yard.

how much we earn

Let's see. $150 per week.

Hang on. This is a comma, not a decimal.

Hoppla.

No, I haven't seen Peter all afternoon.

I gave piano lessons.

Stewie, why don't you play?
in the other room?

Why don't you burn in hell?

No dessert for you, young man.

Who knew someone gets drunk
would catch me...

...$150,000 a week from the government?

That's why I don't vote.

maybe someone down there
drank too.

Mr President, why do you think
The public supports you...

...during this impeachment trial?

Probably because you are so fat.

Peter, you might want to call
the Welfare Commission.

This check is obviously an oversight.

Not necessarily. maybe i'm like
your millionth customer.

Era?
Do you spend $150,000 a week?

- Sim.
- On what?

Oh dear God!
Peter, did you buy the statue of David?

No. I just rented.
But they are marked.

the penis broke
while charging it in the car.

I'll call you "Eduardo".

Peter, how can we afford this?

You won't believe Mom! dad stay...

A big raise!

Peter, how wonderful!

But Dad, I thought...

The kind of raise that will allow me
to give my children a big allowance...

...just to keep their mouths shut.
come on guys

I buy us
the most expensive meal we've ever had.

E.
I'd like 6,000 chicken wings, please.

Sorry, what?

6000 Chicken Fa Ji Tas.

And a So-say McBiscuit, please.

Peter, what's the big surprise?

you know what i used to say
Should you be treated like a queen?

I have your own fool.

It's good to be here in New England.

And what's up
with "New" England?

It is over 200 years old!
Last I checked, it's not that new.

That is great.

I can finally afford to give my little girl
the lips you've always dreamed of.

Thanks Dad!

I don't know Peter. Lips are one thing.

But you had to buy
Breast implants for Chris?

It makes you happy.

These are cool.

when did you get a pool

It's a moat.

I know it's silly...

...but my husband thinks our family
needs extra protection now because...

...were rich.

It works?

This keeps the Black Knight at bay.

Congratulations on all your achievements.
Here's your welfare check.

What...

Hey my dear.

Era?

I know what I did was wrong.
But I only did it for you and the kids.

Except for the jukebox in the bathroom.
That was for Peter.

Yes, by American taxpayers.
I'm so angry I can't see clearly.

No problem.
We have money to fix this...

...with enough left over to buy our way
of any trouble our children might get into.

Just like the Kennedys.

I have a feeling that no
I don't even know you anymore, Peter.

The man I married would never think that
it could solve a problem...

... just spend money!

Boy, is she really upset.

who thought to betray
would it be one of your buttons?

Why a jukebox?
in the bathroom when your wife is mad at you?

Peter, you may have to go back
that money to taxpayers.

But I have to be sure
Lois knows it does.

I need an event with thousands of people.

Something everyone cares about.

we may have to go
Rhode Island for that.

The air here is electric
in Super Bowl XXXllI tonight!

Pat, that's a safe bet
These fans left here...

...to watch a football match!

John, we're in advertising.

Yes I know.
I'm just talking. light up.

Soccer!

Excellent. You can hardly drive a car.
Despite this, were you allowed to fly a zeppelin?

Yes, America is great, isn't it?
Except in the south.

Boy, I hope Lois is watching.

Okay taxpayers, here it is!

Looks like it's going to rain a little
Here tonight, John.

Yes. Hey, wait a second!
This is no ordinary rain!

It's some kind of crazy money rain!

I was told it was a man and his dog
Throw money from a zeppelin.

Man. Hope it works. Otherwise,
I need to start letting go of this.

The crowd invades the field!
This is pandemonium!

Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat?

Only once. The 1975 cotton bowl.
It's the old "trying to make amends...

"...for spending $150,000 a week
play with misused social funds".

I don't care what it is! the guy spoils
a great football game!

- Madden an Fox Security.
- Continue.

Take her down!
Yes indeed.

how was your bath

I tell you all the rumors
about dropping the soap are true.

Really?

You can't hold this thing
to save your life

It slipped everywhere.
boys laughed.

there's the guy
the soap couldn't take it.

That was classic.

Young. I really let Lois down this time.

Do you think she'll wait for me?

If every woman left her husband...

... by the crash of a zeppelin,
Nobody would marry.

Yes, you're right.
Okay, I have the top bunk.

My collagen is decreasing.

Honey, saggy lips are nature's way...

... to tell you that you shouldn't do this
Cover up your father's lie.

What does it mean if your armpits
cry stinking tears?

It means you are becoming a man.

But I hope you're not the type to stay out
all day and never calls...

...like your father
who must remain anonymous.

Hello mother.
Hello my dear.

you know mom
Life is like a box of chocolates.

You never know what you're going to get.

your life however
it's more like a box of live grenades!

Now I'm offering one last chance
for deliverance.

Return my mind control device
or be destroyed.

You just want your toys back.

OK, there you have it, honey.

Yes... Well, victory is mine!

I curse you all!

Hello?

Oh dear God!

Lois, I'm glad to see you.

I have nothing to say to you, Pedro.

Return the money.
Why are you still stuffy?

Peter, you lied to me
You betrayed my trust.

In comparison
Social fraud doesn't matter.

Really?
Let's hope the judge thinks so.

This court will take order.

I figured the sooner I cashed the check...

...the sooner they would recognize their mistake.

Why are we making a federal case?
from that?

Don't you think you should
warned the government...

... such a gross overpayment?

I wanted to call her.
But my favorite episode...

...of the war of different blows.
The one where Arnold and Dudley...

... be sexually harassed
from the bike shop owner?

In order. Now I want you
screaming really loud on my ass.

And everyone learns a valuable lesson.

Mr. Griffin, did you learn a lesson?

Yes. Stay away
from this bike shop.

Okay guys I'm feeling really bad
about what I did. I have just...

I don't know. I saw a chance...

...I would never have to give up my family
the things they deserve.

I think I screwed up.
I tricked the government.

And worst of all, I lied to my wife.

And she deserves better.

I'm sorry, darling.

Mr. Griffin, I think your words
touched us all.

I sentence you to 24 months in prison.

NO!

- NO!
- NO!

NO!

E!

Excuse me, Your Honor?
E?

Look, it could be my husband
sometimes a little reckless.

Maybe he's just really stupid.

But I know that he only accepted this money...

... because he wanted
a good husband and father.

But what to remember
is that we love him.

And it doesn't matter what
I will always be by his side.

I love you too sweetheart.

That was very touching, Mrs. Griffin.
Okay, you can go to jail with him!

Era?

24 months in prison? Unacceptable!
As unbearable as it is...

... I'm totally dependent
those miserable bumblebees in search of food.

Let's see how the constitution
of American judicial guidelines...

...against the device!

that's your boy

What? Yes. This is Stewie.

My God. I can't part with a child so young
from your father. It's impartial.

- Damn, you learned your lesson, didn't you?
- Sim.

- In order. You are free.
- wow! Can you give me my job back?

NO.

- Sim.
- In order!

That was crazy, Dick.

It was safe. In this next blooper
by Joanie Loves Chachi...

...watch what happens when Scott Baio
try to say:

"She sells clam shells
down on the coast. "

What is your mother doing?

She sells clams at...

It's a kind of tongue twister.

It's good to have you home, Peter.

Baby I knew it all
would be fine.

I will miss being rich.

Don't worry.
I have a way to get money.

Isn't it another welfare scam?

No. minority scholarship.

NO.
You are crazy?

Okay, I mean sexual harassment lawsuit.

NO.
I don't think so.

Absolutely outrageous.

Okay, disability claim.