Script for Family Guy: Season 6 Episode 5 (2023)

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker,
mit Channel Five News.

Now we're going live to Ollie Williams
recap the events

from the last episode of Family Guy.

- What happened last time, Ollie?
- Stewie killed Lois!

- And?
- Peter was accused!

- And?
- Peter went to court!

- And?
- Lois is back!

- If?
- He wasn't actually dead!

Thanks Olli. And now the second part.

It seems today that everything you see

Is there violence in movies and sex on TV?

but where are they
Good old values

Which one did we trust earlier?

Lucky that there is a family man

Lucky there's a man who
can do positive

All the things that make us who we are

Laugh and cry

he is a family man

Oh, Lois, darling
I'm so glad you're alive!

you have to tell me everything
happens.

I mean not tonight.
because I have plans with the boys

but tomorrow night
I want to hear all about it.

Peter, didn't you hear what I said?
Stewie tried to kill me!

- Mom, Stewie is just a baby.
- No, Meg! he is evil

He shot me at close range
directly on the deck of the cruise ship.

I would have been dead
if there hadn't been a passing merman

who healed my wounds
and took me to a safe place.

Sounds romantic, I know.

but unfortunately he was something of a downside
than you would expect from a merman.

- I want to go to bed with you.
- Oh no, thanks.

What are you talking about?
I thought this was a woman's fantasy.

Yes, but that's more or less the opposite.

As if you had the body of a man and the legs of a fish
then it would be different.

- Yes, but then I wouldn't have a penis.
- Good, but...

look, there you are
I just made a big hole in your logic.

I'm sorry I'm...
I will have to say no.

Maybe I feel like you owe me something.

Oh! Cursed sea!

Unfortunately I suffered from it
of complete amnesia

and had no idea who I was.

After wandering around for a while
I found out I was in North Carolina

where did i get a job
at a summer camp for fat kids.

My job was to take care of the children
to eat each other.

¡Hey! ¡Hey! No no no no.
Spit it out! Jeffrey! Spit it out now!

And Mike, you spit on Timmy!

In the next month,
I developed a relationship

with a seemingly nice young villager,
named Derek.

Eventually he became comfortable enough
with me to introduce myself to his friends.

that's how I found out
He was a white supremacist.

ok first order of business
I want to thank Paul and Tracy,

who have agreed to bring cookies
for next week's Social Punch.

Remember you two
Fred is allergic to peanuts.

Peanuts and Jews.

No, but the Jews are bad.

You know, it's comments like that
which triggered the Holocaust

And I know none of us want that
go through again

And after that hit on the head
it all started coming back to me.

So I rushed back to Quahog
So here I am.

So you say we have
a murderous baby in our hands.

Breast! Father! Stewie is gone!

Don't worry, Lois, we'll get him.
Hobey, radio amplification.

Oh...

- Hallo?
This is shipping, go ahead.

Oh...

We need more cars

because we're trying to find...

Alright, let's do it on the go!
We do it on the go!

Sorry to bother you,
But we're dealing with a runaway baby.

have you seen this kid

No I didn't, officer.
But I'll definitely keep my eyes open.

What is it?

this killer baby
of the process has disappeared.

- Oh no!
- I know!

uh oh

Police.
Looks like I have some explaining to do.

No, but how can I help you, officer?

We're looking for this baby.
You have seen?

I'm looking for Kareem under the hoop.
You have seen?

No, but I'll let you know if I see anything.

- Mr. Superman not here.
- Well, we're looking for a missing person...

No, Mr. Superman, he's not here.

Yes, it's worth it.
Can you give him this flyer?

Me no. No I do not have any money.

Just take this bike
And when you see this baby...

No no.

Wow I hope you find it.
Otherwise we will all...

So everything is clear now, isn't it?

Stewie, how long
Have you been so messy and evil?

So you're interested in Stewie now?

Last week when I did it
this macaroni picture of an owl,

you didn't give a fuck!

- Was it an owl?
- Yes.

And now let's look at it again.

- Look! Do you like it?
- Yes!

- What do you especially like about him?
- I don't know.

choose something
Or I'll blow your brains out!

- I like how it looks like an owl.
- Thank you for the compliment!

Hey, everything ok there?
I heard screams.

dog answer
Tell him: "Yes, everything is fine."

Yes, Joe, everything is fine.

- Good OK.
- Making fun of his wheelchair.

- The?
- The?

You are.
Say, "Ha ha ha, you're in a wheelchair."

Ha ha ha, you're in a wheelchair.

What is that supposed to mean?

- Say, "I bet you can't get a boner."
- I bet you won't get a hard-on.

That's not very nice, Brian.

- "Nor your mother's ass."
- Neither did your mother's ass.

Well I give you that.

tell him now
You always thought he was handsome.

I always thought you were handsome.

Well I gotta tell you Brian
I'm relieved to hear you say that.

call me please
If you see a sign from Stewie.

Tell him, “Ha ha ha, just kidding
about how handsome."

- Let's go.
- You are!

Come on, that meant a lot to him.

Hahaha it's a joke
about how beautiful

Well that's disappointing.
I needed that boost today.

It's okay, I'll see you later.

It's okay, Lois, I'm hungry.
Get those boobs out.

Wait a minute. You could have drugged that.

- Well, I'm not stupid. Brian, try this.
- The?

- Go ahead and try! You are the guinea pig.
- Lois, he has a gun.

- Look, I'll do it myself. What about it?
- I don't know how you asked me.

I mean, I think we should do what he says.

Yes, but Brian...

I'm absolutely ready
do this for the family.

- I'm not sure...
- I will do that.

Hola, Griffins, register me alone.

- Oh Gott!
- My God!

Stewie, you killed him! He is dead!

Oh Gott!
Oh my god what are we gonna do?

"Oh, armer Cleveland."
- It's okay, Lois, he's in heaven now.

I don't understand why I have to give you
a credit card imprint.

It's kind of a new policy.

I didn't see you asking the guy in front of me.

It's something new.
do you have a credit card

- I have a Sears card.
- You're doing pretty good, huh?

one for my house
I have a McDonald's right in the store.

It won't be long before the police find out.
The Disappearance of Cleveland.

The missing black man, my god
the media will be all over it!

It's okay if I see any cops following me
the dog gets it!

Occurs. Go, go, go, go!

There's Joe. Say, "Joe, I think you're great."

- Joe, I think you're great.
- Thanks, Brian.

That gets me through the rest.
this gardening.

- "No, just kidding, you suck."
- No, just kidding, you suck.

- "Queer."
- Strange.

Well, there goes my smile.

Knowledge,
you won't get away with it.

Kidnapping me is one thing
But you killed Cleveland!

You forget,
I'm the one holding the gun, Brian.

And you will do exactly what I tell you.

May I ask where are we going?

You'll know soon enough, Brian.
The world will find out very soon.

I'll be as great as I should have been
when I was on American Idol.

I don't mind not knowing
my point is

you can take me to heaven

It's like being lost in heaven

When I'm lost in your eyes

Stewie, what the hell was that?

That was lost in your eyes
by Debbie Gibson.

- One of the worst I've ever heard.
- Bueno.

Stewie, you really shouldn't.
even alive, you filthy little crybaby.

I hate you so much,
I want to shoot you in the face.

- In order.
- Honey, I like you.

but you are not right
for this competition.

Hey man I gotta tell you for me man
That wasn't half as good, dude.

You can not sing.
what are you doing

I don't even care.
They don't know what they're talking about.

next time you hear from me

you will like
"We got it wrong about Stewie."

'Cause I'll be huge

i will be bigger
that each of you.

hey hey you know
what to do guys

- while we're tied up here like this?
- The?

we should invent
a completely false rumor about a celebrity.

And then when we get out of here
We will spread it as widely as possible.

- That sounds fun!
- Actually, that sounds like fun.

- What are you thinking?
- Okay, okay, how about this?

Hey, did you hear?
What about Rob Schneider?

someone told me
Baja a Home Depot

and pays migrant workers
go home

and drown him
while masturbating in the shower.

I could buy that.
That sounds like something he would do.

Well, I think that's awful.
that Rob Schneider is doing it.

Yes, isn't that disgusting?
absolute fact?

Yes! We start a rumor!

- Wait a minute. Chris, do you clap?
- Yes!

- Then your hands are free.
- Yes!

- Stewie didn't tie your hands.
- No, he must have forgotten.

you realized
We've been sitting here for 14 hours.

Well, get mad if you want, mom.

I enjoyed the time
we have had as a family.

- What is it? What did you do?
- You almost shot me, you son of a bitch!

That's because you screamed!

No, you fired the gun first.
That's why I screamed!

"That's why I screamed."
i'm looking at you friend

There has to be a clue here

that will tell us
where Stewie might have gone.

- wow! Check out all this cool stuff!
- Man, what do you think these things do?

I think it's useless.

Well that seems strange.

- My God, Peter! You are me!
- My God!

¡Dulce!

Push, push.

What does it make?

Admiral, there are whales here!

All right, come here.

the CIA what the hell are we doing here?

You need a CIA ID, Brian.
What should your alias be?

What are you talking about?
I'm not going to...

- Pick a name!
- Willem Dafoe.

Not that one. earlier had
a Willem Dafoe who lives under my bed.

Hey, have you slept yet?

- NO.
- I was just checking.

What exactly are you looking for?

According to my schematics
it must be right here.

Well, that's not quite right, is it?

Hello gentlemen.

Great day to protect liberty
you wouldn't say

Yes, USA of fucking A. We're number one.

- Space Shuttle und so.
- Fantastic.

- Hello Schmidt. How are you doing today?
- Well, sir. what's new

Do you know what I heard this morning?

Apparently Rob Schneider falls
a hardware store...

And pay migrant workers
Come home and strangle him

while masturbating in the shower.

- Yes, he's been doing this for years.
- Sick bastard.

That's it Brian.

My plan to conquer the world
is about to bear fruit.

Stewie, for God's sake
You know we're here.

What are you trying to do?

Once you find the right code sequence,

This terminal will allow me
Take command of the satellites

They control the power grid of the world.
Once they're under my control

the whole world will be subdued
according to my whims

Away, paperclips! Nobody likes you!

open there,
Or we'll break down the door!

- I love you Katie.
- I love you too, Tom.

Oh God! I am free!

The force field is down! Go! Now!

- If I were you, I'd drop the gun, Joe.
- The? It's Stan

I'm sorry,
you look like someone...

Still, I'd drop the gun if I were you.

now i control
the electrical network of the entire planet,

and unless you love me
to send them all back to the dark ages

You will do exactly what I tell you.

What are your demands?

We interrupt this program
to give you a special message

the new president of the world.

Greetings, faithful servants.

- ¿Stewie?
- Oh Gott!

What the hell!

good sauce!

Senior Rob Schneider,
You must come to see the news!

I'm not paying you to watch TV.
Now get in the damn shower!

Brian, come here.

I want you to listen to my President's speech.
for Saint Rupert's Day.

I reveal all new laws
I have passed.

Screw off. I don't want to do anything
with you or with your damn laws.

Just take a look, okay?

They ban directly on video
Disney-Movie?

Absolutely. I mean look at this.
Jafar may need glasses.

Number one, number two.

Number one, number two.

About the same.
Number one could be a little better.

- Number three, number four.
- Number three.

five and six

five and six

About the same?

Yes, they are quite...
Can I see five again?

- Five and six.
- Yes, they are almost the same.

Greetings, greasy mass.

The following laws
comes into effect immediately.

From now on, sexual relations are illegal.

it's disgusting and disgusting
and punished with death.

Origami keeps my hands busy
and my mind off sex.

Here we go. I made a swan.
Stewie is a good leader.

I wonder how many of these swans
I can fit my butt.

Also applies from this day

all the milk of the nation
It must be coming from Hilary Swank's boobs.

Hey, I don't give a fuck what you want.
Get off my property!

Schau, Hilarious!
All I know is it's breakfast time

I got this bowl of cornflakes
and i have to be at work by 9:00.

- So what are we doing here?
- Not so fast.

Did you know you had it?
eat 17 bowls of these cornflakes

get the same nutritional value
in a bowl totally?

I mean this is so much easier
Eat 17 bowls!

- And it's easier on my boobs!
- Everyone wins!

Hilary Swank
Get your milk out of her

- Yes!
- Yes!

Besides, I've had enough of it
of the fat man

everyone who sees Peter Griffin
You have to throw apples.

Yes, I would like to make a deposit.
What the hell?

It's the law, sir.

Now I have no doubt

maybe there could be
slight dissatisfaction among some of you

in recent changes I implemented.

So that you don't think twice
any kind of lifting,

I warn you,
I'm perfectly willing to set an example.

from unwanted elements.
And don't think I don't know who you are.

How can happen one day
That a victim must be found

I have a small list
I have a small list

From the criminal society
Who might as well be underground

And who would never be missed
who is never missed

There's the white boy
with loose clothes

Who talks like they're black?

The girl you date and who doesn't get
Jokes at Caddyshack

The Asian who has the edge
every line

and Britney Spears
Because she accidentally showed her vagina

and Bill O'Reilly's
incompetent dermatologist

None of them would be missed
None of them would be missed

He has her on the list.
He has her on the list.

And none of them would be missed
None of them would be missed

There's the guy behind the news reporter.
waves like a fool

and Sen. Bill Frist
I have it on the list

And the fat boy smiled warmly
while he pees in the pool

he would never be missed
he would never be missed

There's the smelly boy
Who comes to school in disguise

And every bleeding limb
From the entourage list

And while we're on the subject
HBO deserves a hit

To end the Sopranos
With a damn black cut

And guys that if you shake hands
They just hit you with their fists

I don't think they will be missed
I am sure they would not be missed

He has her on the list.
He has her on the list.

And none of them would be missed
None of them would be missed

There's the boy sitting next to you
And keep farting on the plane

And Shakira's lyricist
I have it on the list

And the wise guy on Thanksgiving
Who says it's tryptophan?

he would never be missed
he would never be missed

There's the blonde who calls you strong
With a voice like a knife

"You know, someone should do a comedy
Based on my life'"

The guy who saw the Simpsons
1994

And won't admit the damn thing
it's not funny anymore

and everyone and everyone
Who made me angry!

He makes me angry
It made me really, really angry

I have her on the list

None of them would be lost!

He has her on the list.
He has her on the list.

And none of them would be missed

None of them would be missed

None of them can be overlooked

It's enough!

Peter, I will not stand idly by.

while others suffer
on the hands of my own baby.

I brought Stewie into this world.
It's time to take it out.

How the hell do you want...

I'm sorry dad!

It's okay Chris.
You're a good boy who obeys the law.

But you, Meg, are going to jail.

All right, Peter, I'm going to kill Stewie.
Dinner is in the oven.

All you have to do is convert it to 350
around 5:15.

- Yes, it's okay, Lois.
- You hear?

- Yes.
- What did I just say?

Turn the oven on at 5:15 to 350. I heard it!

It's all right, sir.
Your presidential portrait is ready.

Let me see.

Great.

Much better than Gary Larson's.

Why would he talk to a chicken?

¡Lois!

Stewie, your reign of terror
is over.

I won't keep still
while innocent people suffer.

come on bitch It's time for it to end
what I started anyway.

Come on, Lois, do it. Shoot me.
Shoot your little baby Stewie.

I can't do this. You're a horrible and nasty kid
but you're still my baby

And I could never hurt you

Well this works perfectly.
because i can hurt you

Say hello from Cleveland.
Oh, and Mr Weed.

It has just been revoked.

Peter, he didn't really set you up.
for this line of deadly weapons.

That doesn't really work here.

I take what she takes.

That's better.

Hey Stewie, we have a postcard.
Peter and Lois on the cruise.

What are you doing?

Ach hallo Brian.
Well, you remember I complained about Lois.

- and the fat man won't take me with him?
- Yes.

i ok
You said you didn't want to kill Lois

So I just ran a simulation
to figure out exactly how to kill them

and conquer the world
would play for me

- Yes? How was it?
- Not so good, Brian. diabolical

I guess I'm not ready to kill Lois.
Or conquer the world.

Still.

So what you say is
what you experienced

in the simulation
it didn't really happen or matter.

- Yes that's right.
- So it was like a dream.

No, it was a simulation.

Yes, but in theory
if anyone saw the events

this simulation from start to finish,

just to find out
none of this really happened...

I mean, don't you think that would be
like a giant middle finger for her?

Well hopefully
You would have enjoyed the trip.

I don't know man. i think you pee
a lot of people out there.

Well, at least it's not over yet.
like the sopranos

where he just cut black in half...